(***Santa had a few when he wrote this so you may want to take a peek, its long as fuck but well, WELL worth it...***)
Released on 14 November 2003, Bridget Jones Diary Director Richard Curtis' extremely popular, Christmas-themed rom-com, Love Actually, is absolutely one of the most sloppily made, incoherently edited time-travel shitshows in recent memory. To establish this, I'm going to analyze the film's first act, that is, 30 minutes of absolute insanity.
After the beautifully sappy and sentimental opening sequence narrated with a relaxed sense of Holiday cheese by the ironically venerable Hugh Grant, we see an Iggy Pop-like has-been rock star, played with irony and vigor by a terrific Bill Nighy, recording a shithouse Christmas pop song, but according to the editing logic of the film's opening, the song appears on the radio the very next day. The film is cut to appear as the film's first several scenes are actually one full day and unfortunately, this makes Love Actually appear as one of the most confusing, incompetently cut motion pictures I have ever seen. My theory is that this film is actually about time-travel. Not just any time travel, sweater-induced time travel to be specific...
- (5:29 mark) Why is Liam Neeson calmly working at home when he should be preparing for his wife's funeral later that morning (the funeral would have to be in the morning because of time of year - and when we do get to the funeral at the 15:10 mark, which based on the overall editing logic of the film, is still clearly either the morning or early afternoon)? To prove this, the wedding, which is cut in-between and parallel to the funeral, features two sequences, a ceremony and a reception, which have to happen on the same day AND during daylight hours.
- (5:45 mark) Emma Thompson appears. Pay attention to the film closely; at no point in the film is any relationship established between Liam Neeson and Emma Thompson. NONE. Why are they talking on the phone? What is the nature of their relationship? Are they siblings? Fucking prove it. It is NEVER made clear. So why is she cooking with peppers (as she speaks with her daughter who is just about to leave for school) when she should be preparing for a funeral for a person we are not certain she has ever met. Her relationship with Neeson is never made clear so how the fuck does she know his deceased wife? And here's a better question, we know she is married to Alan Rickman's character (this is clearly established later in the film) so why doesn't she attend the funeral with him, regardless of his relationship with Liam Neeson? This makes zero sense. It's also never made clear why she can't continue to speak with Liam Neeson's character on the phone even though it's the morning of his wife's funeral and she has nothing better to do than cut a bell pepper at 9 a.m. What a bitch.
- (5:55 mark) Colin shows up to deliver some muffins and sandwiches to people in an office. Pay close attention to his outfit. Then pay close attention to actress Heike Makatsch's wardrobe (this is NOT Jeri Ryan as many people assume). This will be important later.
- (6:15 mark) Colin then works at a wedding reception later that day. We know this is the same day because we cut from him at the office, and then cut to the movie shoot with stand-ins Martin Freeman and Joanna Page, we then cut to the wedding where Keira Knightley walks down the aisle and then cut to the intro of the Prime Minister (played by Hugh Grant, who is terrific by the way, I fucking love Hugh Grant), and then back to the vows of the wedding ceremony. The wedding ceremony establishes THE SAME DAY regardless because we keep cutting back to it. So for those of you keeping score, Colin went from handing out muffins at the office to catering a wedding on a weekday afternoon - the same day ALL of our central ensemble is introduced.
Based on the film's editing logic, Heike Makatsch appears in the same outfit on the morning of Colin's pre wedding muffin delivery and the following day, which begins at the 18:04 mark, meaning this character either wore the same outfit two days in a row OR we are repeating the events of the previous day in which Laura Linney goes to the work in the morning, gets sexually harassed by Alan Rickman (more on this later), and then attends a wedding with Colin Firth for some reason (keep this in mind, the film never establishes a relationship between Linney and Firth either - they never speak again or appear in the same scene again). At the 20 minute mark of the film we hear Bill Nighy's song on the radio - this means that at 2:43 pm UK time (according to the 8:43 am Brazilian time clock on the wall behind fake Jeri Ryan's desk) the song was playing on the radio, either the day after it was recorded, or on the sweater-vest wormhole repeat of the first day. Therefore, according to the Heike Makatsch sweater-vest time travel theory, that song is released the same day it is recorded.
- (8:30) The secretary introduces Natalie (a member of the household staff) to the Prime Minister, with "she's new just like you." Natalie says during the introduction, "I had a premonition that I was going to fuck up on my first day, " This is contradictory to everyone's reconstructed wormhole memory of previous events at the 23:36 mark, when Natalie mutters, "the other bloke liked the boring biscuits," meaning she did, in fact, work for the other Prime Minister - otherwise how did she know this? So we have confirmation that Natalie is both new to her job YET she tells her new boss that she has worked there before. The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom fails to questions this (One of MANY instances of the ridiculously incompetent work of both MI-5 and everyone working at 10 Downing Street. More on this later) This makes no sense. Neither does Natalie's own time travel sequence in which she comes in wearing a black dress at 23:26, the VERY next scene - which begins a mere ten seconds later- she is wearing a completely different outfit (pay attention closely to the color, necklines, and the fact that she has a WHITE sweater-vest now, eerily similar to Heike Makatsch's earlier sweater-vest time travel device). Although, there is no established change in time or day, the 10-second shift to which I am referring to is filmed as if we are in the same day and we know this because Hugh Grant is wearing the same suit and tie in two different locations at a very specific interval - tea time. Once again, further evidence of sweater-vest related time travel.
- (13:57-14:07) The credited editor, Nick Moore, clearly pancaked several scenes together to ensemble-group all the characters together on the same day, this is called "force-binding" and to prove this theory - the black PA, Tony (played with droll wit by Abdul Salis), is seen at the movie shoot at the 14:07 mark with Martin Freeman and Joanna Page. Now these two characters are in the same outfit they were in at the 6:20 mark so we know that Tony was there earlier in the day. So based on the films editing logic, Tony went from the movie shoot, to the wedding, and then back to the movie shoot within one minute of elapsed real time. To further prove this, when Tony speaks to Martin Freeman and Joanna Page at the 14:25 mark, he says (while they are in the same clothing that they were in at the 6:20 mark), "time is tight, we gotta wrap this up..." He says this despite the fact that he went from his supposedly stressful, demanding position on a professional film set to a wedding where he proceeded to just fuck-off and read a magazine and then back to the movie set. Maybe we wouldn't be so pressed for time if you just put down the spank mag and did your fucking job, and maybe this one scene wouldn't take five fucking weeks to shoot according to the film's timeline (these two characters are filming one scene in one location in one room for almost five full weeks, how epic was this love scene for fuck's sake?). To illustrate this point even further, Martin Freeman and Joanna Page can be found still introducing one another from identical repeating scenes at 6:20 and 14:25. (Both are wearing sweaters. Woooooo)
- (15:10 mark) We see Emma Thompson alone at the funeral - why is her husband, played by Alan Rickman, not with her? This makes zero sense especially when you consider that Alan Rickman is the boss of what ever the fuck office he is running. I think he can take the day off - especially when you consider that based on the Heike Makatsch sweater-vest time travel theory, the only actual work he seems to be doing is organizing horseshit office parties and getting people laid, To prove this theory, go to the 18:30 mark, Rickman advises Laura Linney (his employee mind you) to sexually harass another employee, Karl (Rodrigo Santoro).
- (17:17 mark) Laura Linney and Sheriff Rick (Andrew Lincoln) appear in a scene together for no apparent reason, they have no further contact and their relationship is never explained. Oddly enough, Heike Makatsch's character later establishes an acquaintance with Lincoln although they never appear in any scenes together so what is the relationship between any of these people?
- (18:04) The rare establishing shot of morning on the Thames, followed by late afternoon what-the-fuck-hi-jinks at the sexual harassment factory led by Professor Snape and the time-traveling sweater-vest brigade. Rewind to 5:55, fake Jeri Ryan appears in the same outfit in each of the scenes; so is it the next day OR is this first instance of a knitwear related wormhole?
- (24:53) Colin is wearing the same outfit from the opening muffin-delivery sequence (5:55), meaning he too traveled in time from the morning of the wedding to a week later to discuss his plans to travel abroad in search of sex with loose Wisconsinites.
This barely gets us through the film's opening 30 minutes. We haven't even approached the picture's horrifically incompetent third-act denouement. Stay tuned for the second second half of this scatter-brained, nightmare Christmas comedy.
Released on 14 November 2003, Bridget Jones Diary Director Richard Curtis' extremely popular, Christmas-themed rom-com, Love Actually, is absolutely one of the most sloppily made, incoherently edited time-travel shitshows in recent memory. To establish this, I'm going to analyze the film's first act, that is, 30 minutes of absolute insanity.
After the beautifully sappy and sentimental opening sequence narrated with a relaxed sense of Holiday cheese by the ironically venerable Hugh Grant, we see an Iggy Pop-like has-been rock star, played with irony and vigor by a terrific Bill Nighy, recording a shithouse Christmas pop song, but according to the editing logic of the film's opening, the song appears on the radio the very next day. The film is cut to appear as the film's first several scenes are actually one full day and unfortunately, this makes Love Actually appear as one of the most confusing, incompetently cut motion pictures I have ever seen. My theory is that this film is actually about time-travel. Not just any time travel, sweater-induced time travel to be specific...
- (5:29 mark) Why is Liam Neeson calmly working at home when he should be preparing for his wife's funeral later that morning (the funeral would have to be in the morning because of time of year - and when we do get to the funeral at the 15:10 mark, which based on the overall editing logic of the film, is still clearly either the morning or early afternoon)? To prove this, the wedding, which is cut in-between and parallel to the funeral, features two sequences, a ceremony and a reception, which have to happen on the same day AND during daylight hours.
- (5:45 mark) Emma Thompson appears. Pay attention to the film closely; at no point in the film is any relationship established between Liam Neeson and Emma Thompson. NONE. Why are they talking on the phone? What is the nature of their relationship? Are they siblings? Fucking prove it. It is NEVER made clear. So why is she cooking with peppers (as she speaks with her daughter who is just about to leave for school) when she should be preparing for a funeral for a person we are not certain she has ever met. Her relationship with Neeson is never made clear so how the fuck does she know his deceased wife? And here's a better question, we know she is married to Alan Rickman's character (this is clearly established later in the film) so why doesn't she attend the funeral with him, regardless of his relationship with Liam Neeson? This makes zero sense. It's also never made clear why she can't continue to speak with Liam Neeson's character on the phone even though it's the morning of his wife's funeral and she has nothing better to do than cut a bell pepper at 9 a.m. What a bitch.
- (5:55 mark) Colin shows up to deliver some muffins and sandwiches to people in an office. Pay close attention to his outfit. Then pay close attention to actress Heike Makatsch's wardrobe (this is NOT Jeri Ryan as many people assume). This will be important later.
- (6:15 mark) Colin then works at a wedding reception later that day. We know this is the same day because we cut from him at the office, and then cut to the movie shoot with stand-ins Martin Freeman and Joanna Page, we then cut to the wedding where Keira Knightley walks down the aisle and then cut to the intro of the Prime Minister (played by Hugh Grant, who is terrific by the way, I fucking love Hugh Grant), and then back to the vows of the wedding ceremony. The wedding ceremony establishes THE SAME DAY regardless because we keep cutting back to it. So for those of you keeping score, Colin went from handing out muffins at the office to catering a wedding on a weekday afternoon - the same day ALL of our central ensemble is introduced.
Based on the film's editing logic, Heike Makatsch appears in the same outfit on the morning of Colin's pre wedding muffin delivery and the following day, which begins at the 18:04 mark, meaning this character either wore the same outfit two days in a row OR we are repeating the events of the previous day in which Laura Linney goes to the work in the morning, gets sexually harassed by Alan Rickman (more on this later), and then attends a wedding with Colin Firth for some reason (keep this in mind, the film never establishes a relationship between Linney and Firth either - they never speak again or appear in the same scene again). At the 20 minute mark of the film we hear Bill Nighy's song on the radio - this means that at 2:43 pm UK time (according to the 8:43 am Brazilian time clock on the wall behind fake Jeri Ryan's desk) the song was playing on the radio, either the day after it was recorded, or on the sweater-vest wormhole repeat of the first day. Therefore, according to the Heike Makatsch sweater-vest time travel theory, that song is released the same day it is recorded.
- (8:30) The secretary introduces Natalie (a member of the household staff) to the Prime Minister, with "she's new just like you." Natalie says during the introduction, "I had a premonition that I was going to fuck up on my first day, " This is contradictory to everyone's reconstructed wormhole memory of previous events at the 23:36 mark, when Natalie mutters, "the other bloke liked the boring biscuits," meaning she did, in fact, work for the other Prime Minister - otherwise how did she know this? So we have confirmation that Natalie is both new to her job YET she tells her new boss that she has worked there before. The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom fails to questions this (One of MANY instances of the ridiculously incompetent work of both MI-5 and everyone working at 10 Downing Street. More on this later) This makes no sense. Neither does Natalie's own time travel sequence in which she comes in wearing a black dress at 23:26, the VERY next scene - which begins a mere ten seconds later- she is wearing a completely different outfit (pay attention closely to the color, necklines, and the fact that she has a WHITE sweater-vest now, eerily similar to Heike Makatsch's earlier sweater-vest time travel device). Although, there is no established change in time or day, the 10-second shift to which I am referring to is filmed as if we are in the same day and we know this because Hugh Grant is wearing the same suit and tie in two different locations at a very specific interval - tea time. Once again, further evidence of sweater-vest related time travel.
- (13:57-14:07) The credited editor, Nick Moore, clearly pancaked several scenes together to ensemble-group all the characters together on the same day, this is called "force-binding" and to prove this theory - the black PA, Tony (played with droll wit by Abdul Salis), is seen at the movie shoot at the 14:07 mark with Martin Freeman and Joanna Page. Now these two characters are in the same outfit they were in at the 6:20 mark so we know that Tony was there earlier in the day. So based on the films editing logic, Tony went from the movie shoot, to the wedding, and then back to the movie shoot within one minute of elapsed real time. To further prove this, when Tony speaks to Martin Freeman and Joanna Page at the 14:25 mark, he says (while they are in the same clothing that they were in at the 6:20 mark), "time is tight, we gotta wrap this up..." He says this despite the fact that he went from his supposedly stressful, demanding position on a professional film set to a wedding where he proceeded to just fuck-off and read a magazine and then back to the movie set. Maybe we wouldn't be so pressed for time if you just put down the spank mag and did your fucking job, and maybe this one scene wouldn't take five fucking weeks to shoot according to the film's timeline (these two characters are filming one scene in one location in one room for almost five full weeks, how epic was this love scene for fuck's sake?). To illustrate this point even further, Martin Freeman and Joanna Page can be found still introducing one another from identical repeating scenes at 6:20 and 14:25. (Both are wearing sweaters. Woooooo)
- (15:10 mark) We see Emma Thompson alone at the funeral - why is her husband, played by Alan Rickman, not with her? This makes zero sense especially when you consider that Alan Rickman is the boss of what ever the fuck office he is running. I think he can take the day off - especially when you consider that based on the Heike Makatsch sweater-vest time travel theory, the only actual work he seems to be doing is organizing horseshit office parties and getting people laid, To prove this theory, go to the 18:30 mark, Rickman advises Laura Linney (his employee mind you) to sexually harass another employee, Karl (Rodrigo Santoro).
- (17:17 mark) Laura Linney and Sheriff Rick (Andrew Lincoln) appear in a scene together for no apparent reason, they have no further contact and their relationship is never explained. Oddly enough, Heike Makatsch's character later establishes an acquaintance with Lincoln although they never appear in any scenes together so what is the relationship between any of these people?
- (18:04) The rare establishing shot of morning on the Thames, followed by late afternoon what-the-fuck-hi-jinks at the sexual harassment factory led by Professor Snape and the time-traveling sweater-vest brigade. Rewind to 5:55, fake Jeri Ryan appears in the same outfit in each of the scenes; so is it the next day OR is this first instance of a knitwear related wormhole?
- (24:53) Colin is wearing the same outfit from the opening muffin-delivery sequence (5:55), meaning he too traveled in time from the morning of the wedding to a week later to discuss his plans to travel abroad in search of sex with loose Wisconsinites.
This barely gets us through the film's opening 30 minutes. We haven't even approached the picture's horrifically incompetent third-act denouement. Stay tuned for the second second half of this scatter-brained, nightmare Christmas comedy.
